And when he had called unto him his twelve disciples, he gave them power against unclean spirits, to cast them out and to heal all manner of sickness and all manner of diseases. Matthew 10:1 (open bible verse for tonight!)
“I’m miserable and I’m miserable about being miserable,” I opined to my prayer group. I had a follow up appointment and I was in angst about for days. The cold weather has increased my fatigue and joint pain. My feet hurt!
I didn’t want to admit fear was grabbing hold. I didn’t want to talk about how bad I felt on their surveys and I did not want another bone density injection. Soft data supports fewer bone metastasis with a bone density infusion every six months. This was my third. “But,” I think, “what does the data say about how sick it makes me?” It feels like poison. Truly, that infusion makes chemotherapy seem like a cake walk.
Let the pity party begin. And so it did. Instead of “my life lacks nothing. I am healed.” It was “if I feel this bad what does it really mean. If I say I don’t want the infusion, they’ll just talk me into it. How do you make a decision when the data is soft and the cancer is hard?”
And then there is the shame that strips you. “Why can’t faith and grace see me through?” I asked my prayer group to pray for me and around 11:00am Thursday the cloud lifted. I gave thanks for the hospital, the doctors and nurses, the experimental drugs and the cutting edge treatment I am privileged to be given. The many, many folks that are praying for my medicines to create health for my body and to reject that which is not healthy. Awareness of you, my readers, and renewed respect for your journeys into illness and darkness grew. Praise God we are in this together. We hold each other up when we stumble and pray for each other when we can’t pray for ourselves.
Sunday night I sang I AM by Chris Tomlin during the praise service. When I was practicing, I sang loudly and desperately, “In the middle of the storm, I am holding on to you.” It wasn’t until I was singing to the congregation, arms lifted in praise for our Lord that I realized that God is the one that clings to me, not the other way round. That whole week when I was floundering in fear and dread, He was hanging on tight. He will never leave us, never deceive us. Amen.
Dear God, Make us grateful and obedient servants to the work that you choose for us. If we are to be sick, make us patient, loving and kind to those who care for us. Give us gratitude for those who work diligently to heal us. Give us mindfulness to remember that we will not be sick forever and encourage us to seek all modalities of healing including intercessory prayer and meditation. We grant you sovereignty and wisdom in creating our lives. We accept our pain and suffering with humility knowing that you are watching over us, holding us close when we experience adversity. In Jesus, the great healer’s name we pray. Amen
God will always say yes to things he has already promised.