This week I had several disappointments. Life with humans leads often to confusion. “We seek to be received, validated and embraced, don’t we Julia?” a wise mentor cautioned. I was suffering. Then heaping more suffering on myself because of my naivety. Expecting divinity from humans is a sure way toward disillusionment.
Ruminating instead of forgiving, I steamed. I stewed. I got off balance. One betrayal I can manage. Two is tricky. Three seems like a pattern that needs devoted attention. Four is too much. Four makes me want to retreat to the garden, planting flowers and herbs. Picking up sticks and weeding seem like happy opportunities compared to mixing it up with humans.
I couldn’t seem to shake it off. I felt foolish. I felt silly. I did not feel received, validated or embraced, more like invisible.
And then I remembered. Trust God, love people. Love people through Me that they may receive my blessing through you. Live by grace and faith. People are on earth to enhance and reveal their divinity and lose their humanity. When my thoughts turned to God and not myself, I was able to gain perspective. I no longer cared what others said or how they acted. Truly, it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. My outrage was only hurting me.
And so finally I was able to bow my head and ask forgiveness for my haughtiness. For my expectations of how people should behave and my refusal to love. For allowing others to rob my peace instead of being the gatekeeper. To be judge and jury is a lonely profession.
I vow to give it up each and every time I do it. I vow that again today.